I hadn’t really planned for this week of getting Blaugust rolling and introductions to contain this post, but life rarely cooperates with our plans. This post is going to be pretty raw. That isn’t entirely unusual within this blogging community. Most times we share fluffy things, fun things, game or book things. But we get real at times as well. I’m not usually one to share real life heavy emotions, but writing is cathartic and I’ve had things swirling in my head for a while now. If you aren’t in a good headspace to read about loss and grief, you might want to skip this one.

I have losses staring me in the face, friend with cancer, family with dementia, dog with cancer, long time friends aging rapidly. My friend with cancer hasn’t let it hold her back and makes the most of life, but getting out and doing things takes an increasing toll on her. I think I cope with grief fairly well, certainly better than my husband who I worry about a lot with these inevitable losses, but I don’t know how much back to back sorrow I can take before something in me breaks.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year and how I can better deal with loss, how I can help my husband deal with loss. I think I want to find a therapist I can trust, but I’ve never actually gone to one. For some people it is a natural thing, but I’ve never sought one out before even when I lost my own parents. I just move on and don’t let myself dwell, but I have to wonder if I’m really dealing with my emotions that way, or just pushing them away.

We watched a few episodes of Resident Alien recently that dealt with heavy topics, but I think they did so in a good and healthy way. Gary Farmer, the actor who plays Asta’s father Dan, has been battling lung cancer in real life. You could see the changes in his health immediately when season 4 started. He has a scene where he talks about facing death, as Asta’s life is in danger. Knowing about his health made this scene where he talks about his character’s father hit really hard. It felt so personal and from the heart, as if he was sharing it with his own family and the other actors for when he too passes.

I was happy to read that his cancer is in remission, but that disease hangs heavy over lives. I’ve faced recent loss, and with a friend, and a family member and a dog with terminal diseases, what he said hit me really hard. Grief is cleansing and I’m glad I went on the emotional roller coaster of these final episodes of the series. I wish I could find a clip of the scene that I could share with you, because it is so powerful. Watch Season 4 Episode 9 if you can.

Some of his lines from the scene:
“My people know that we only walk here on the earth for so long. It’s a gift, not a guarantee. When my father was dieing, he was so calm. I figured it was because of the morphine, but he took my hand and he said, I’m just waiting here for my horse to come and pick me up. And then I’m going to leave. I’m ready to go. I am ready.”
“I could wish for her to stay, but it’s the person who’s on the edge of life who gets to decide, how it will go.”

As I write this I know that I am about to say goodbye to loved ones and I hope that they are ready and that we are ready for them to go as well.